The Dorchester Bar – Bourgeois Boozing
Strolling down Mayfair’s Park Lane, my lack of gaudy supercar and harem retinue ironically made me more conspicuous. Thankfully, The Dorchester doormen were completely unpretentious and perfectly polite, warmly welcoming my drinking buddy and me through polished opened doors. First impressions were stunning: the scent of fresh flowers washed over me like a luxurious feminine tidal wave.
The Dorchester Bar was opulent but felt dated – not F. Scott Fitzgerald retro hedonism dated – I just mean dated-dated. The lack of windows, oppressive purples and glossy surfaces were reminiscent of a low-stakes casino. The shiny pink stalagmites which surrounded the place were just bizarre. I was expecting The Dorchester Bar to offer timeless British glamour, not The Crystal Maze Mayfair Zone. I’m not sure if this was the interior designer’s way of forcing a contemporary edge, but I had never seen anything quite like it.
Regarding The Dorchester Bars value, there is nothing worse than someone complaining about drink prices; however, £20 for a gin and tonic is ridiculous. Although not as silly as the tin foil paint jobs on the supercars littering the entrance. People have rated The Dorchester ‘Excellent’ for value on TripAdvisor. Who the hell spends £80 on four G&Ts and thinks: “I just can’t believe the outstanding value!” I imagine Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum has better things to do with his time. The Dorchester Drinks Menu itself was comprehensive and elegant as one would expect. While the glassware was the prettiest I’d ever handled. The Dorchester Bar was a place for proper cocktail drinkers: strawberry daiquiri lovers need not apply. The Brooklyn was properly excellent, and I became obsessed with the sticky, salty, delicious nibbles.
Regarding service, the gentleman working the bar was permanently elegantly poised, and no doubt skilled in the art of libations, but wasn’t particularly engaging. Perhaps staff were instructed to behave in this corporate manner, or maybe that’s just what The Dorchester’s clientele prefers. I would have liked to have seen his fun side; after all, if you can’t have a good time in a bar, where can you? I wasn’t demanding a game of beer pong!
The Bar at The Dorchester is a unique place, worth a visit for any cocktail enthusiast, but only ones with very deep pockets. I wouldn’t bother with the Champagne Simmer – I can live without the ‘gold dust and The Dorchester Lip Gloss’ – especially for £40. Although that’s nothing compared to Louis XIII: an eye-watering £1,600 a measure, plus £200 service charge for pouring. Across the sparsely populated Dorchester Bar was the most miserable woman I had ever seen drinking champagne; I didn’t know it was possible to drink Bollinger and simultaneously retain such a scowl. She was a spiritual meme for money not equating to happiness, as I visualised my bank balance dwindling to zero with a smile.
The Dorchester Review Summary
Atmosphere 4/10 Cost 2/10 Quality 10/10 Service 10/10