Thumbs Down – Fantastic Feasts & Where To Find Them

I wanted to love L’enclume, I really did. Never before had I booked a restaurant six months in advance and spent more than a weeks pay on one meal for two. Any restaurant that employs a full-time ‘forager’ activates my almonds and my excitement on the morning of the L’enclume booking was palpable. I felt like I was getting married.

The restaurant is a charming, eight-hundred-year-old former smithy. L’enclume means ‘anvil’, a homage to the former blacksmith’s workshop housed. I’m a massive fan of Simon Rogan, and unlike many chefs, has a more modest ego. His food philosophy is “a case of growing the perfect carrot rather than cooking it perfectly.” He knows he can already cook it perfectly but the point is two-fold. One, excellent quality ingredients should require as little cooking – read interference – as possible. Secondly, although cooking is undoubtedly skilful, the real challenge is in producing the ingredients in the first place. Simon Rogan puts the suppliers in the limelight, and lets Mother Nature do the talking. To quote:“My dream menu would serve 20 raw courses, but I know [he laughs] I’d never get away with that.”

I know Simon Rogan hates comparisons between L’enclume and The Fat Duck, but they are oddly similar in the superficial sense of you’d walk right past them both without a second thought. Both look like large cosy cottages, opening directly onto the quiet road, with barely a suggestion world-class activity was busy inside. Both blend into the background, nestled between residential houses, in tucked-away villages.

I was left with mixed feelings due to the expense and the operational issues. That said, L’enclume made me feel genuinely proud; therefore the meal was memorable. Simon Rogan stayed true to his word: “I decided to keep it British, celebrate the north-west and eliminate all foreign stuff. You can’t just say, ‘Right, that’s it, we’re never going to use a lemon again’. You need to identify alternatives otherwise your food is going to be crap.”

RESTAURANT REVIEW: L'enclume, Cartmel two michelin stars simon rogan — Beetroot leaves

RESTAURANT REVIEW: L'enclume, Cartmel — More beetroot

RESTAURANT REVIEW: L'enclume, Cartmel lake district two michelin stars simon rogan

L’enclume Restaurant Review Summary

Atmosphere 8 Cost 5 Quality 10 Service 6

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Restaurant Review: Malmaison Brasserie (Chez Mal), Manchester

March 30, 2017October 8, 2019Leave a comment

Malmaison Manchester – Birthday Brasserie at Chez Mal

Organising a Saturday night group booking in Manchester was a surprising pain in the derriere. Despite the plethora of culinary hotspots the fine city offered, it became oddly frustrating: El Gato Negro (no bookings), Refuge By Volta (limited tapas menu), The Hawksmoor (hates vegetarians), Mr Cooper’s (no availability), Iberica (brilliant, but went recently), Manchester House (too expensive)…Then, down a dreary Piccadilly, the shimmering mirage of Malmaison Brasserie rose from the horizon and my anxiety washed away in the rain.

On paper, Malmaison Manchester ticked the boxes required for a 30th birthday, with a party of foodies. It appeared suitably ambient, dark and sophisticated, while the menu was diverse, interesting and not extortionate. Chez Mal menu looked pleasingly premium without being too expensive to alienate a large group of ordinary people.

On arrival, Chez Mal Manchester was gently buzzing away. Men in jackets and ladies in denial of Manchester’s Baltic conditions filled the space. My large party didn’t register a flicker of emotion with the staff, and I slouched to the bar without anyone noticing. Some bourbon-based beverages were mixed together with too much sugar and not enough rapport.

We slipped to the large, awkwardly shaped and oddly positioned tables in anonymity and given only the Al La Carte and Wine List in silence – The Chez Mal Set Menu was mysteriously withheld. Some well-chilled dry white wine arrived in a laboured manner, sluggishly followed by fresh bread, served with the panache of a prison officer issuing their least favourite death row inmate’s last meal.

To start, the tuna tartare was elegantly presented with sophisticated, vibrant flavour combinations – if only there was more of it. The duck ragu soup could have passed for a school canteen’s Sponge Pudding; fortunately, it was delicious. Despite its suspiciously beige, lumpy demeanour, the depth of flavour and balance of seasoning was superb. One guest was allergic to prawns, and so asked for the tempura calamari and prawns to be adapted – this was ingeniously accommodated by serving half the starter at the full price. The smell of the spatchcock quail made my pescetarian mouth water with jealousy. The dead bird was wonderfully smoked without it drying out, with the pomegranate providing an exotic touch.

For mains, the lobster risotto was suitably al dente, with well-formed, proud standing arborio, draped in well seasoned, rich stock. Unfortunately, the dish was lacking lobster and thus its raison d’etre. The fleshy morsel placed on top was really only a delicious garnish. The venison was an excellent autumnal thing – well rested, properly seared and satisfyingly meaty. I also had it on good authority the Chez Mal burger managed a respectable account of itself.

For desserts, the chocolate fondant was a black hole of sensual cocoa, which I liked so much it was embarrassing. Finally, the gooey le fromage tray sluttily spread itself everywhere and as good as any I can remember. In keeping with the muted rapport, I wasn’t advised what constituted it – unfortunate, as this was Malmaison Manchester’s highlight.

Like most chain hotel restaurants, I suggest Malmaison Manchester offers decent food in good locations for punters with expense accounts. For date nights or more special occasions, I’d look elsewhere.

Chez Mal, Manchester Malmaison
Review Summary

Atmosphere 6 Cost 5 Quality 8 Service 3

Malmaison Manchester Restaurant Review — My Kind of Love Note

Malmaison Manchester Restaurant Review Chez Mal Food Blog Post — Valrhona Dark Chocolate Fondant

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Malmaison Manchester

Afternoon Tea Review: The Colonnade Hotel, Maida Vale

December 3, 2016October 8, 2019Leave a comment

The Colonnade Hotel: Not Tea Total

Maida Vale, a place where buying a semi-detached house demands winning the lottery – twice. Strolling by the meandering canal of Little Venice, admiring the surrounding handsome creme Regency mansions, I almost overlooked the plethora of tantalising kebab opportunities down Edgeware Road, just spitting distance away.

The quality of The Colonnade Hotel’s Afternoon Tea was ultimately disappointing. The scones were exceptional, but M&S sold superior sandwiches, cakes and pretty baked things Yummy Mummy’s like. Pret A Manger felt like a Michelin star in comparison. Some drinkable ‘champagne’ made an appearance, which was probably as French as Winston Churchill.

The Colonnade Hotel’s staff were smiley and organised. Curiously, I planned on booking for one o’clock but was asked to arrive an hour later due to a preceding large party. Not a problem, but rather than any residual buzz, the Colonnade Hotel’s atmosphere was as dead as Rolf Harris’ career.

The Colonnade Hotel’s subterranean bar needed obvious attention; the aqua and peach colour scheme was nobody’s cup of tea. If this was genuinely four-stars, go glamping and drink Prosecco from a Thermos instead. Weather permitting, there’s a charming raised garden, but the skinny trees only marginally muffled the traffic distractions. Actually, the garden was preferable to The Colonnade bar regardless of the weather.

As the afternoon tea was bought heavily discounted through Groupon, the experience provided fair value for money. London’s an expert at fleecing tourists, but even by its shameless standards, The Colonnade Hotels full price was ridiculous.

The Colonnade Hotel
Review Summary

Atmosphere 4 Cost 5 Quality 4 Service 6

The Colonnade Hotel Afternoon Tea London Review — Standard Issue Afternoon Tea

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The Colonnade Hotel

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Tag: Thumbs Down

RESTAURANT REVIEW: L’enclume, Cartmel