Restaurant Review: Peachy Keens, Manchester

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Keenly Priced But Far From Peachy

First impressions of the bizarrely named Peachy Keens Manchester were positive: bright, clean, but juvenile. With over thirty starters, the variety on offer was quite astounding; yet, restaurants trying to be everything become nothing – Peachy Keens Manchester was no exception. I self-righteously tittered at the giant ‘ORIENTAL’ neon sign looming over the school canteenesque dining room, and queried the authenticity of ‘Fish Fingers’ listed under ‘Italian Starters’. This cacophony of branding strangled any potential atmosphere although may appeal to a younger demographic.

Peachy Keens Manchester’s food was disappointing; although, given the exceptionally frugal price, expectations should have been no higher than ‘edible’. The assortment of sushi all tasted the same e.g. of nothing. The Salad Bar was OK but punctuated by tasteless olives and unpleasant cheese. Peachy Keens Manchester’s hot wings were predictably far from hot, rendering themselves redundant. The “Grill Section” masqueraded as a legitimate piece of kitchen equipment – it warmed grey lumps up – rather than cooking steaks to order. My steak was impossible to cut, let alone digest by a human. The Lamb Rogan Josh was ungodly,  smelling like Satan’s left over takeaway; after I was too terrified to return for hot food.

Peachy Keens Manchester’ desserts were either sickly or luminous – the pastry chef made Ronald McDonald look like Michel Roux. Things resembling Aftershock were avoided and ice creams were a psychedelic dripping mess; although, neatly formed miniature cheesecakes were surprisingly edible and in endless supply.

I was amicably greeted, seated and warmly bid farewell to; but, the Peachy Keens Manchester staff were impressively morose. However, the team were organised, with plates quickly materialising and disappearing when required.

Peachy Keens Manchester offered all-you-can-eat food for the price of a nearby swanky cocktail: nobody can ask for better value. Furthermore, Peachy Keens Manchester provided the ultimate in variety and convenience, perfect for young families or groups with differing dietary requirements. Unfortunately, the food ranged from acceptable to offensive.

Peachy Keens Manchester
Review Summary

Atmosphere 3  Cost 10  Quality 2  Service 4

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Manchester

Restaurant Review: Dogs N Dough, Manchester

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Dogs N Dough – Not Manchester’s Top Dog

Dogs N Dough hid down deep dank stairs, accessed via a nondescript seedy alleyway. Wow, this place was dark. I wondered if Frankie & Benny’s and Spearmint Rhino had formed the super-franchise I’d long dreamt of. The décor was pure Americana; the kind of interior design that doesn’t exist anywhere in America. Dogs N Dough was an adult Disneyland of a restaurant -a guilty pleasure of sorts.

One aspect of American culture that wasn’t imported was frighteningly zealous customer service. The Dogs N Dough staff were OK; things arrived when necessary but in a rather despondent manner. I didn’t need my ego massaging, but I did expect some enthusiasm, which wasn’t there. I ordered nearly all Dogs N Dough’s bourbons (not at once); some at £10 each might have sparked the tinder of rapport, but they may as well have been JD & cokes.

The Dogs N Dough food was gloriously unhealthy; an indulgence, something eaten with an embarrassed smile. The dogs were tasty but didn’t overwhelm. I wasn’t thinking: “I know this is killing me, but it’s sure as hell well worth it”. They were however impressively impractical to eat. I love chilli con Carne; forcibly inhaling it through my nostrils after every bite of dog pushed our friendships limits. Call me old fashioned, but a plate, knife and fork work well for me. The pizzas were fine, appropriately served in a cardboard box, as they were literally standard takeaway pizzas. Dogs N Dough kindly catered for the obese, insane underbelly of Manchester, by offering pizzas for main course and dessert.

Despite its city centre location, Dogs N Dough was priced keener than Manchester’s glut of gourmet fast-food eateries. It had a fun, kitsch, laid-back atmosphere that Manchester does so well. Dogs N Dough was a great man-cave to watch sports in, but those excited by the food need to get out more.

Dogs N Dough Manchester
Review Summary

Atmosphere 7    Cost 7    Quality 5   Service 5

Dogs N Dough Manchester Restaurant Review
Eatin’ Clean 😉
Dogs N Dough Manchester Restaurant Review
Enjoyable Filth

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Manchester

The Swan Inn: Newby Bridge, Lake District

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The Swan Inn – Proper Cooking But No Service

The Swan Inn’s charming atmosphere demonstrated everything right about British middle-class taste: all Kirstie Allsop and no Hyacinth Bucket. Unfortunately, the clientele was everything wrong with British middle-class taste: over-indulged mothers and carbon copy daughters, hawkishly scanning with beady eyes and anxious dispositions. The Swan Inn’s interior provided colourful, quirky, classy touches that remained traditional without being slavishly Laura Ashley. Regardless, on this summer’s day, the stylish dining area was upstaged by the pleasant stretch of River Leven, providing picture perfect picnicking in Newby Bridge.

The Swan Inn menu was pleasingly concise, full of solid choices that all sounded delicious. The unfussy food was as it should be, focusing on big flavours with sophisticated touches to retain interest. The dry cured rib of beef was so good it induced a fit of giggles. I expected to find Desperate Dan wearing his Sunday Best tucking into one. Non-vegetarians gearing up for an afternoon hike owe themselves this dish. If you are a vegetarian, order it anyway and don’t tell anyone. The baked Alaska was not a desert but a challenge – a right of passage for pubescent Inuits to prove their masculinity.

I wanted to love The Swan Inn at Newby Bridge, but service let it down: it wasn’t offensive, just non-existent. All outside tables were taken, yet no staff were outside. They were bizarrely inefficient: kept as far away as possible from the majority of diners. It wasn’t the end of the world queuing at the bar; however, when lunch arrived and more wine was required, staff weren’t allowed to take drink orders. I requested the tables worth of drinks at the bar but wasn’t offered a tray. No check back was received during the meal, and we had to clear our own plates as the desserts were served.

Regarding value, The Swan Inn in Newby Bridge was toward the upper price point of Lake District restaurants; however, the setting both inside and out was noteworthy, the portions generous and the ingredients top notch.

The Swan Inn Review Summary

Atmosphere 9/10    Cost 5/10    Quality 8/10    Service 3/10

The Swan Hotel Newby Bridge Restaurant Review
Hearty Portions In Cumbria
The Swan Hotel Newby Bridge Restaurant Review
Hearty Portions In Cumbria

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