Restaurant Review: Dinner By Heston, Knightsbridge

Dinner By Heston – Mostly Stunning

Potential customers should consider before investing in Dinner by Heston, that your dinner will have very little to do with Heston Blumenthal. Obviously, he’s not rustling it up, but more importantly, dinner is unlikely to have any element of molecular gastronomy synonymous with the Heston Blumenthal name.

Set in the bowls of Knightsbridge’s Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Dinner by Heston is within the inner circle of London’s shadowy elite. Literally next door, two-bedroom apartments are yours for a very reasonable £19,500,000. In retrospect, the bar bill was never going to be cheap.

The Dinner by Heston Bar felt like a high-end departure lounge full of non-descript business class Euro jet-setters: not what I expected from an iconic hotel in our great capital, but probably a fair reflection of London in 2016. Still, all Dinner by Heston’s staff were nothing but gracious – professional and completely down to earth. If there was an award for best-dressed servers, Dinner by Heston would win. There were pleasing avant-garde touches to the cocktails; a Banana & Parsley Daiquiri is something one order’s only once, but without regret.

Sticking with the (relatively) frugal Diner by Heston Set Lunch Menu, diners choose from either Hay Smoked Salmon or Ragoo of Pigs Ear on Toast. My partner’s salmon was beautifully composed and very much lived up to the high expectations. In contrast to this piscine elegance, the pig’s ear looked like a gruesome murder scene. It was really a filling, wintery dish, out of place on a summer menu – particularly as pork was one of two choices for main. Regardless, it had a rich, deep flavour that was certainly enjoyed.

For mains, there was Roast Pollack with Parsnips or Slow Cooked Pork Belly. My partner’s pork was absolutely sensational, undeniable the best porcine-related dish ever tasted: it was pork exalted to its highest station in life. The Roast Pollack was presented simply but attractively but was irksomely lukewarm, not helped by the frustratingly cold buttermilk sauce. A beautiful piece of fish let down by its lack of body heat. However, without wanting to resort to needless hyperbole, the accompanying side of carrots was unbelievably good. Our minds were induced into a higher state of consciousness – at one with the universe – and its carrotiness. I will never look at a root vegetable in the same way again: it was the agricultural answer to crack cocaine, at a similar price-point.

Finally, despite no longer being hungry and rarely displaying a sweet tooth, the Bohemian Cake was undeniably the best dessert either of us had ever had. The presentation, the textures, the balance of flavours was truly Michelin standard. It took me by surprise, in short – it was memorable. I’d heard nothing but gushing reviews for Dinner By Heston’s iconic Pineapple Upside Cake, but it’s hard to imagine anything better their Bohemian Cake.

Regarding value, Diner by Heston’s Set Lunch was probably the lowest priced way to experience two Michelin star food in the UK. Still, at £75 per head for lunch with one drink, Diner by Heston is only a regular haunt for Champagne Charlies. Is Diner by Heston the seventh-best restaurant in the world, as the San Pellegrino Guide proclaims? I doubt it, but Dinner By Heston is probably the seventh best in London – which is a great achievement in itself.

Dinner By Heston Review Summary

Atmosphere 10  Cost 6  Quality 9  Service 9

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Dinner By Heston: Worthy Of Its Two Michelin Stars
Dinner By Heston: Worthy Of Its Two Michelin Stars
Dinner By Heston: Worthy Of Its Two Michelin Stars

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(Inside the Mandarin Oriental Hotel)

Restaurant Review: The Coach, Marlow

The Coach – No Return (Meal) Ticket

I wanted to love The Coach Marlow (formely The Coach and Horses). Mainly as I love Tom Kerridge aka the happiest man on the plant (close second, Kriss Akabusi). This lovely looking gastropub helpfully only takes walk-ins, acting as a spill-over sight for it’s even higher-end sister site The Hand & Flowers down the road, where there is a year long waiting list for their Michelin star Sunday roasts. I couldn’t wait a year and I’m too poor, so The Coach Marlow it was.

Only visit The Coach Marlow if you: can drop any preconceptions, foolishly appreciate tapas, are minted and not hungry. I am none of the above, thus left discontented. I love Mr Kerridge with his amicable West Country patois and proper pub-grub philosophy; disappointingly, The Coach Marlow ignores it.

Controversial opinion – tapas is pointless – a Mediterranean euphemism for expensive inefficiency. Only madmen want dishes to arrive schizophrenically.  The standard excuse is: “To try bits of everything!”. Which is nonsense because portions are so small, only cold crumbs remain once shared. Order your preferences then trade bits later damn it. In any other context, new cutlery is provided and smaller courses sensibly arrive first – nobody thinks anything of it. Tapas means culinary human rights are waived in favour of a needless continental concept.

Rant over (almost). Sitting at The Coach Marlow bar provides stimulating views of the industrious open kitchen; an ideal first date rendezvous, providing distractions from potential awkward silences. The hard-working young kitchen team, went about their business in a focused manner. Unfortunately, everyone else was cramped together. At least I was lucky enough to get a table, or so I thought. Modern televisions were strategically placed, all the fixtures and fittings were handsomely fitted, and the lighting was pleasingly low. 

Everything on The Coach Marlow’s menu sounded delicious. I was expecting a real treat here. The format was oddly split between ‘Meat’ and ‘No Meat’, yet meat’s in both sections:  a practical joke, quirkiness or a genuine mistake, I know not. Furthermore, the descriptions didn’t hint at the wildly varying portions, making things unnecessarily fiddly. Was this a pub or some kind of puzzle…

Everything looked more than appetising, the food I mean, not the staff, I’m not that weird. Anyway, dishes were creatively arranged and housed in beautiful, earthy crockery. You felt that touch of quality. The Coach Marlow produced initially interesting dishes, which later left one puzzled and unsatisfied, rather than intrigued and impressed. The Whisky & Rye Pudding was cold rather than warm – evidently an error of judgement for any winter pudding. The Venison Chilli had the kick of a paraplegic and served grittily under-cooked. A pricey piece of Lamb carried a shameful amount of flaccid fat. The Pigs Head was a delicate croquette rather than something intimidating. This was all lamentable, as the depth of flavour across all dishes was impressive.

The Triple Cooked Chips & Béarnaise were memorable – undisputed world champion pieces of potato. However, as chips were the highlight, The Coach Marlow left me dissatisfied.

The Coach Review Summary

Atmosphere 9  Cost 2  Quality 6  Service 6

The Coach Marlow Restaurant Review
The gigantic pigs head
The Coach Marlow Restaurant Review
Probably the best chips in the world
The Coach Marlow Restaurant Review
Cold whisky pudding

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