Fantastic Feasts & Where To Find Them

I wanted to love The Coach Marlow (formely The Coach and Horses). Mainly as I love Tom Kerridge aka the happiest man on the plant (close second, Kriss Akabusi). This lovely looking gastropub helpfully only takes walk-ins, acting as a spill-over sight for it’s even higher-end sister site The Hand & Flowers down the road, where there is a year long waiting list for their Michelin star Sunday roasts. I couldn’t wait a year and I’m too poor, so The Coach Marlow it was.

Only visit The Coach Marlow if you: can drop any preconceptions, foolishly appreciate tapas, are minted and not hungry. I am none of the above, thus left discontented. I love Mr Kerridge with his amicable West Country patois and proper pub-grub philosophy; disappointingly, The Coach Marlow ignores it.

Controversial opinion – tapas is pointless – a Mediterranean euphemism for expensive inefficiency. Only madmen want dishes to arrive schizophrenically. The standard excuse is: “To try bits of everything!”. Which is nonsense because portions are so small, only cold crumbs remain once shared. Order your preferences then trade bits later damn it. In any other context, new cutlery is provided and smaller courses sensibly arrive first – nobody thinks anything of it. Tapas means culinary human rights are waived in favour of a needless continental concept.

Rant over (almost). Sitting at The Coach Marlow bar provides stimulating views of the industrious open kitchen; an ideal first date rendezvous, providing distractions from potential awkward silences. The hard-working young kitchen team, went about their business in a focused manner. Unfortunately, everyone else was cramped together. At least I was lucky enough to get a table, or so I thought. Modern televisions were strategically placed, all the fixtures and fittings were handsomely fitted, and the lighting was pleasingly low.

Everything on The Coach Marlow’s menu sounded delicious. I was expecting a real treat here. The format was oddly split between ‘Meat’ and ‘No Meat’, yet meat’s in both sections: a practical joke, quirkiness or a genuine mistake, I know not. Furthermore, the descriptions didn’t hint at the wildly varying portions, making things unnecessarily fiddly. Was this a pub or some kind of puzzle…

Everything looked more than appetising, the food I mean, not the staff, I’m not that weird. Anyway, dishes were creatively arranged and housed in beautiful, earthy crockery. You felt that touch of quality. The Coach Marlow produced initially interesting dishes, which later left one puzzled and unsatisfied, rather than intrigued and impressed. The Whisky & Rye Pudding was cold rather than warm – evidently an error of judgement for any winter pudding. The Venison Chilli had the kick of a paraplegic and served grittily under-cooked. A pricey piece of Lamb carried a shameful amount of flaccid fat. The Pigs Head was a delicate croquette rather than something intimidating. This was all lamentable, as the depth of flavour across all dishes was impressive.

The Triple Cooked Chips & Béarnaise were memorable – undisputed world champion pieces of potato. However, as chips were the highlight, The Coach Marlow left me dissatisfied.

The Coach Review Summary

Atmosphere 9 Cost 2 Quality 6 Service 6

The Coach Marlow Restaurant Review — The gigantic pigs head

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Bar Review: Le Beaujolais, The West End

February 6, 2015October 5, 2019Leave a comment

Le Beaujolais – Wine Down & People Watch

Being turned away from The Ivy was embarrassing; I felt heartbroken, like a teenager who’s object of desire remained unrequited. I lamented that I’d ironed a shirt and cleaned my ears for no reason. However, all was not lost as I stumbled across the charming Le Beaujolais practically next-door.

Le Beaujolais looked French, felt French, tasted French…it even sounded French. But there was something distinctively alien, betraying that authentically French feel. I couldn’t immediately put my finger on it. Then it hit me. Sacré bleu! The staff were welcoming, helpful and cheerful. Obviously, this kind of attitude wouldn’t survive in Paris, but their loss is our gain. I later discovered that Le Beaujolais is London’s oldest French wine bar, with downstairs reserved as an intriguing member’s only club.

Do you remember Tie Rack; those cubicles offering a plethora of patterned neck wear, for sales reps who’d spilt their latte on the Virgin Pendolino? This is what Le Beaujolais is, with the addition of an excellent cheese and wine selection. I have no idea why hundreds of ties dangle from the ceiling like polyester stalactites, but it was all rather fun. Ironically, these numerous appendages, meant Le Beaujolais would be my ideal place to commit suicide, should the need present itself.

Nestled in the heart of theatre-land, sitting outside Le Beaujolais with a bottle of something French provided a perfect people watching spot. A high-quality meat filled baguette was sneaked into proceedings, served with an unusually violent harissa. My only gripe was the stingy sized wine glasses – they didn’t do justice to the high-quality wine served.

Le Beaujolais Review Summary

Atmosphere 9/10 Cost 6/10 Quality 8/10 Service 8/10

Le Beaujolais London Restaurant Review — Wine and bread; what the French do best.

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Restaurant Review: Fazenda Rodizio Bar & Grill, Manchester

January 24, 2015October 8, 2019Leave a comment

Fantastically Feasted at Fazenda

Fazenda Spinningfields carnivorous cacophony left me shell-shocked: I’ve never experienced such quality, variety and quantity of mouth-watering meaty offerings, all wrapped up in an intimate, stylish environment.

Fazenda Spinningfields’ a Rodizio restaurant, a concept familiar to Bem Brasil fans; however, that’s where the comparison ends. As good a product as Bem Brasil offers, Fazenda’s classy ambience made their competitor feel like a Premier Inn. The smartly dressed, happy-go-lucky Gauchos flirted around the dining room. They will be offended if by the end of the evening you haven’t taken your pants off and shouted for the midwife to deliver the food baby you’ve named Sirloin.

I greatly appreciate value restaurants (more money for wine, obviously); likewise, I love quality steak. Unfortunately, the two never meet. Until now. I mentally awarded Fazenda Spinningfields two trophies: ‘The Classiest All-You-Can-Restaurant Ever’ and ‘The UK’s Best-Value-Quality Steak Restaurant’, two accolades not to be sniffed at. If the management is reading: please don’t increase your prices, turn your restaurant into Gauchos and price me out.

With such a carnivorous cacophony of Frango (Chicken Thighs), Fraldinha (Beef Skirt), Cordeiro (Lamb), before being seduced by the house speciality Picanha (Cap of Rump), I needed to be reminded of the main event – Filet Mignon. It arrived sensually caramelised, strikingly rare, and just beautifully boviney. Even though it looked and smelt delicious, I had the ultimate first world problem of having to fend off Bife de Presunto (Smoked Gammon) and Linguica (Brazilian Beef & Pork Sausage) for fear of exploding.

It wasn’t all just top drawer steaks, wonderfully prepared in delicious marinades – as if that would have been a problem. There was Morcela (Brazil’s answer to Bury’s Black Pudding), Barringa De Porco (Pork Belly) and who knows what else. It all became a blur. I could have forgiven Fazenda Spinningfields for not turning my pescetarian friend on, but far from being a fish out of water, the sumptuous hot and cold salad bars and lush seafood dishes left her equally satisfied.

Everyone, including the door staff, were in good spirits – I’ve rarely seen broader smiles – especially not from someone wielding skewers full of chicken hearts. Maybe it was the meat sweats, but Fazenda Spinningfields got my blood pumping in all the right areas. This was a rare example of a brilliant restaurant you want to shout about, but also keep for yourself…

…Please don’t tell anyone else.

Fazenda Manchester Review Summary

Atmosphere 10 Cost 10 Quality 10 Service 10

RESTAURANT REVIEW: FAZENDA RODIZIO BAR & GRILL, SPINNINGFIELDS MANCHESTER — A rare treat

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