Category: Bar Review

Castaways and Lovers meet,
Then kiss in Tropicana’s heat,
Watch the waves break on the bay.
Soft white sands, a blue lagoon,
Cocktail time, a summer’s tune,
A whole night’s holiday!

Sorry…

If your bar requires constructive criticism and promotion, I have an empty stomach and a car full of petrol ready. Discretion is assured; bribes are happily accepted.

All photographs and words are my own: I endeavour to review fairly, taking into account the bars’ costs, levels of trade and intended target market.

Bar Review: The Dorchester, Mayfair

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The Dorchester Bar – Bourgeois Boozing

Strolling down Mayfair’s Park Lane, my lack of gaudy supercar and harem retinue ironically made me more conspicuous. Thankfully, The Dorchester doormen were completely unpretentious and perfectly polite, warmly welcoming my drinking buddy and me through polished opened doors. First impressions were stunning: the scent of fresh flowers washed over me like a luxurious feminine tidal wave.

The Dorchester Bar was opulent but felt dated – not F. Scott Fitzgerald retro hedonism dated – I just mean dated-dated. The lack of windows, oppressive purples and glossy surfaces were reminiscent of a low-stakes casino. The shiny pink stalagmites which surrounded the place were just bizarre. I was expecting The Dorchester Bar to offer timeless British glamour, not The Crystal Maze Mayfair Zone. I’m not sure if this was the interior designer’s way of forcing a contemporary edge, but I had never seen anything quite like it.

Regarding The Dorchester Bars value, there is nothing worse than someone complaining about drink prices; however, £20 for a gin and tonic is ridiculous. Although not as silly as the tin foil paint jobs on the supercars littering the entrance. People have rated The Dorchester ‘Excellent’ for value on TripAdvisor. Who the hell spends £80 on four G&Ts and thinks: “I just can’t believe the outstanding value!” I imagine Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum has better things to do with his time. The Dorchester Drinks Menu itself was comprehensive and elegant as one would expect. While the glassware was the prettiest I’d ever handled. The Dorchester Bar was a place for proper cocktail drinkers: strawberry daiquiri lovers need not apply. The Brooklyn was properly excellent, and I became obsessed with the sticky, salty, delicious nibbles.

Regarding service, the gentleman working the bar was permanently elegantly poised, and no doubt skilled in the art of libations, but wasn’t particularly engaging. Perhaps staff were instructed to behave in this corporate manner, or maybe that’s just what The Dorchester’s clientele prefers. I would have liked to have seen his fun side; after all, if you can’t have a good time in a bar, where can you? I wasn’t demanding a game of beer pong!

The Bar at The Dorchester is a unique place, worth a visit for any cocktail enthusiast, but only ones with very deep pockets. I wouldn’t bother with the Champagne Simmer – I can live without the ‘gold dust and The Dorchester Lip Gloss’ – especially for £40. Although that’s nothing compared to Louis XIII: an eye-watering £1,600 a measure, plus £200 service charge for pouring. Across the sparsely populated Dorchester Bar was the most miserable woman I had ever seen drinking champagne; I didn’t know it was possible to drink Bollinger and simultaneously retain such a scowl. She was a spiritual meme for money not equating to happiness, as I visualised my bank balance dwindling to zero with a smile.

The Dorchester Bar
Review Summary

Atmosphere 4/10    Cost 2/10    Quality 10/10    Service 9/10

I'm only jealous
The Dorchester: I’m only jealous

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The Dorchester Bar

Bar Review: Revolution, Preston

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Preston Revolution – In Need Of Revolution

I am a fan of the Vodka Revolution chain, in theory. However, everything that could go wrong does go wrong in Preston. Revolution’s recent refurbishment and prominent promotional literature suggested ambitions of a proper cocktail bar – nothing could be further from the truth.

Here’s how to improve:

  • Revolution Preston staff need basic cocktail knowledge. Not pretentious levels of flamboyance, but not knowing a Vodka Martini was embarrassing for someone called Vodka Revolution. Requesting a Caipirinha resulted in nothing but a blank expression. I was served an Old Fashioned so extraordinary unlike one, I’m too embarrassed to elaborate: not ideal when Revolution sells cocktail training to the public.
  • Revolution Preston bars need fresh fruit. Basil & Raspberry Mojito contained no fresh limes, no fresh basil, questionable raspberry puree and unconvincing mint – the sheer audacity of it all! Staff not bothering to muddle limes during manic periods is forgivable, but when there’s nobody else in, it’s painful. Similarly, it was a crime not to receive lime with rum and ginger. Furthermore, G&T’s were missing garnishes, meaning Wetherspoons outclassed Vodka Revolution.
  • Revolution Preston needs stock. I asked for a 15 year Havana: ten minutes later I was poured a seven-year without explanation.
  • Revolution Preston needs to provide hospitality. I ordered a bottle of vodka for £75, providing a healthy margin from £18 trade prices. An ice bucket is provided without tongs, so bare hands were used which was both unpleasant and unhygienic. There was no bar towel to wipe up the ensuing puddle; obviously, limes were a non-starter. No staff were aware to wipe down a table, let alone engage with customers in any manner.
  • Revolution Preston needs to get organised. When making a spirit on the rocks, don’t use one piece of ice which quickly melts. When making three drinks, don’t make the spirit on the rocks first, then take ten minutes making two cocktails and another minute to key it into the till. Please be able to remember three drinks without pen and paper. Likewise, when receiving a large booking, have the cutlery pre-set ready – at the very least bring the cutlery before the food. Furthermore, turn the coffee machine on, or throw it away and give up the pretence of offering hot drinks.
  • Revolution Preston needs table service. If customers are sat with empty glasses for ten minutes, they are likely waiting for another. Proactively provide the bill, and encourage servers to look in the direction of tables occasionally.
  • Revolution needs to clean its lines. Knowing the beer is undrinkable I ordered a bottled beer – it was room temperature. This really was the final straw(pedo).

Vodka Revolution
Review Summary

Atmosphere 4  Cost 3  Quality 2  Service 1

  • Vodka Revolution Preston Review
    Vodka Shots – The Only Safe Bet

    *Since this review was first published, Revolution Preston is unfortunately no longer with us – hence the lack of link*

Bar Review: Keith’s Wine Bar, Aigburth

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Keith’s Wine Bar – Loveable Lark Lane

Keith’s Wine Bar is nestled on Lark Lane – the best street in Liverpool. Lark Lane was a hipster enclave before anybody knew what one was. Keith’s Wine Bar provided the ideal spot to watch artsy students, old-fashioned cabbies who define ‘scouser’ and shadowy alcoholics shuffling about in fine fettle. Lark Lane has managed to avoid Pret-A-Manger and Zizzi moving in, but I fear it’s only a matter of time. Nearby restaurants ‘Belly’ and ‘Meat Factory’ provide a sense of the neighbourhood.

Keith’s Wine Bar is about as unpretentious as a wine bar gets – which is no bad thing. That said, 1/5 score from the Food Standards Agency probably is a bad thing. The holes in the walls were not the idea of an interior design agency. With bohemian artwork and rough wooden tables set with dripping candles teetering from wine bottles, this is as shabby chic as Liverpool gets. For a moment I mentally drifted off to the continent until I overheard: “That’s a boss Pinot, that lad”.

The staff were approachable and provided the natural, witty rapport that Liverpudlians are genetically predisposed to offer. Contrary to reports, Keith’s Wine Bar isn’t dirt cheap, but it’s certainly reasonable. The wine selection is robust, with craft beers also available.

As Keith’s is, of course, a wine bar, I expected the cheeseboard not to be sourced from a dinner lady supplier. There was at least plenty of it, so much so I had nightmares for weeks.

Seek Keith’s out (but don’t tell anyone else).

Keith’s Wine Bar Review Summary

Atmosphere 8/10    Cost 7/10    Quality 5/10    Service 8/10

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